|WAITING FOR A SHIP AT AN AIRPORT|


Hey Dolls, 

Ugh… So admittedly, I’ve been away longer than anticipated but none of that matters now – I was busy moving my ass back to London and finding a job after unceremoniously quitting the job I had at a place I now call bullshitville. 

Currently I’m on a train ride, seriously thinking about the terrible predicament I have (willingly) put myself in. There’s something about train rides that gets you thinking about journeys – emotional journeys – physical journeys – that going from one place to another – being in transit to reach a destination you (should) want to be in..

My journey of the day? – the absolute FUCKeries I’m going through with my ex. 

Let me break it down: 

So, most of us have that one person (doesn’t have to be an ex) that is just hand-on-heart ALWAYS there for us. That ride-or-day chick or guy. They are there when you need someone the most, always bailing you out, there for you emotionally, physically – literally fixes you whenever life and it’s experiences try to break you – your go to person – your “person” (grey’s anatomy fans) – you just feel safe, wanted, cherished, loved around this person. This guy/girl tends to be the person you go back to every time you endure a fucked up venture – be it in your professional career, your doomed dating life – your family quarrels- He/She is your SAFE HAVEN. 

Now, for you lucky fuckers who happen to be “dating” your “person”, keep it moving.. This post is NOT for you – you simply will NOT understand what I’m about to dwelve into and I (on behalf of the rest of us) really do not need the higher-than-thou input here.. Seriously… Not helpful.. At all. Cool? Cool. 

Right, so back to this ex of mine… URRGGHHH! Seriously. I want you to imagine the sound of URRGGHHH and then imagine expressing that all day long, every single fucking day. 

I seriously don’t know if this guy KNOWS what he is doing – I like to think he does because surely, surely no one is THIS fucking stupid and completely oblivious to the shit that is fucking happening before their fucking eyes!… Right? 

What he does: Calls, texts me asking me to come round so we can chill (we actually chill – no “Netflix and chill” although admittedly he does try to put it on me and then when he tickles my fancy, he pulls away – basically mind fuck – yes, think mind fuck).. arranges for us to go out and do things (couple shit) – I kid you not, this fucking guy is more invested in me and “us” than he was when we were fucking dating. 

What I do: I fucking tell him I’m not comfortable with this version of “friendship” he is aiming for and wants me to be part of. It simply does not work for me. I feel like I am having everything that a relationship entails – bar the sex. Which is quite frankly taking the fucking piss. Here I fucking am, giving this part of me to him, and all I have left are these fucking desires that cannot be satisfied by anyone because I’m emotionally invested in him. 

This is the problem with being an “all or nothing” person. It’s all of me or none of me so when I say that this is some fucked up predicament, it’s a bloody understatement. 

He: seems to think it’s ok. “You seriously devalue the importance of a good friendship” (what the actual fuck) “you mean so much to me” (obviously not enough) “I need you (mind fuck class 101 – beginners: how to royally mind fuck someone’s emotional state to oblivion).

Me: so… You want me to sit here, laugh, converse, eat with you then spoon to sleep whilst trying to successfully start then maintain a fucking relationship with a completely different human altogether?? Fuck. 

I love you. You need me. 

There’s the fucking difference. 

I want to build a future with you. You need me. 

There’s the fucking difference. 

I see you as my future husband and the father of my kids.. But.. You need me. 

There’s the fucking difference. 
So how the fuck am I meant to leave you when you need me and I love you????? 
You see this shit? Waiting for a fucking ship at an airport! Do you know how crazy that shit is? 

It LITERALLY makes no sense whatsoever. None. Zilch. Nada. 
xoxo 

23 thoughts on “|WAITING FOR A SHIP AT AN AIRPORT|

  1. Take it from a old woman, whose been played one too many times – he is keeping you around “in case” – a classic case of bridging – unable to move on until the sure thing arrives. ‘Friendship’ after intimacy breaks apart is a myth in my mind. (Not that I am cynical or anything, lol)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I completely agree with you.. I’m not perfect by any means but I believe that I probably possess about 70% of everything he needs and he is trying to find that 100% girl… It’s hard but I know what I have to do to end it all.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Title and post had me like “Hello!” I love that your contemplation comes across in each sentence. Very well written Love!
      My two cents . . . You, of course, know Ex better than I, but I’m curious if you two still discuss relationship possibilities (rhetorical really). Nevertheless, I do agree he could be searching for the “100% made for him” woman; which nothing is wrong with that, but his intent needs to be made clear to you for your sake! After all both you and him deserve to be with someone who was 100% made for you.
      On the other hand, he could be your 100%. He could really want to rekindle things with you, intimately, but not sexually and just not know how to formulate that into words. That’s pretty honorable if that is the case and the two of you have been sexual before [non-prying, just an observational thought]
      Unspoken intentions and desire can permanently damage a good platonic friendship, seen it happen first hand -> https://wearyourpurple.wordpress.com/2016/02/22/the-fool-i-use-to-be-2/
      Thought-provoking as usual Queen! β™₯

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel like he is my 100.. I just feel safe with him and no other guy I have ever dated has made me feel that way. But at the same time, I can’t afford to be shamelessly foolish enough to hold onto something that is not there. It’s clearly an illusion πŸ˜“.. He keeps saying he doesn’t want me out of his life without understanding that I simply can’t be in his life the way he wants me to. I’m definitely going to have to be selfish in this and do what is best for me and my sanity.. I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now still dealing with this mess πŸ˜”… Today is going to be a bloody long day! Tough decisions to be made for the both of us! xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. *May the Queen force be with you!* ☺ Like David said above, have the strength to walk away if that is what it boils down to! If you really don’t want to carry baggage onto your next trip you won’t. #slay β™₯

        Liked by 1 person

      3. πŸ™ˆ oops (possible Freudian slip) I meant that he seems to possess 100% (characteristic wise) of what I go for in a guy.. But if it’s not meant to be.. I need to find myself another πŸ˜“ thanks doll! I needed a bloody talking to! Snap me out of it ha!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. LOLz! @ Freudian slip…understood. My honor love, I wish I had the blog world, hell, a social world in general way back when I had some of my own fxck boys to deal with, eh. β™₯

        Like

  2. I’m kinda in the same situation, but we don’t see each other because he was transferred to another state. But, I still want him and can’t move on to find another guy, because I want this guy. Long distant relationship, he didn’t want and I’m still contacting him since I still want him. I know it’s a mess for me on my end.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. So you guys broke up; he still wants to be friends, but you don’t want to be friends. You want the actual romantic relationship, right?

    The best thing you can do is just disappear from his life. Ignore his request to hang out. Keep yourself busy so you don’t think about him. Ignore his text and everything about him. Maybe by then, you’ll forget about him. Just tell him you want to really be together or else you’re gone forever. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. Get what you want and except nothing less.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! I was about to chicken out of doing this today and then I read this! Thank you. Today really is D Day – yes or nay. I need the closure so we can both move on. This “friendship” of his is not healthy for either of us!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I know πŸ˜“.. I mean I haven’t yet but we are scheduled to meet up today to discuss everything. If what he is proposing is not what I want.. I’m leaving him for good.

        Liked by 1 person

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