|WAITING FOR A SHIP AT AN AIRPORT|

Hey Dolls, 

Ugh… So admittedly, I’ve been away longer than anticipated but none of that matters now – I was busy moving my ass back to London and finding a job after unceremoniously quitting the job I had at a place I now call bullshitville. 

Currently I’m on a train ride, seriously thinking about the terrible predicament I have (willingly) put myself in. There’s something about train rides that gets you thinking about journeys – emotional journeys – physical journeys – that going from one place to another – being in transit to reach a destination you (should) want to be in..

My journey of the day? – the absolute FUCKeries I’m going through with my ex. 

Let me break it down: 

So, most of us have that one person (doesn’t have to be an ex) that is just hand-on-heart ALWAYS there for us. That ride-or-day chick or guy. They are there when you need someone the most, always bailing you out, there for you emotionally, physically – literally fixes you whenever life and it’s experiences try to break you – your go to person – your “person” (grey’s anatomy fans) – you just feel safe, wanted, cherished, loved around this person. This guy/girl tends to be the person you go back to every time you endure a fucked up venture – be it in your professional career, your doomed dating life – your family quarrels- He/She is your SAFE HAVEN. 

Now, for you lucky fuckers who happen to be “dating” your “person”, keep it moving.. This post is NOT for you – you simply will NOT understand what I’m about to dwelve into and I (on behalf of the rest of us) really do not need the higher-than-thou input here.. Seriously… Not helpful.. At all. Cool? Cool. 

Right, so back to this ex of mine… URRGGHHH! Seriously. I want you to imagine the sound of URRGGHHH and then imagine expressing that all day long, every single fucking day. 

I seriously don’t know if this guy KNOWS what he is doing – I like to think he does because surely, surely no one is THIS fucking stupid and completely oblivious to the shit that is fucking happening before their fucking eyes!… Right? 

What he does: Calls, texts me asking me to come round so we can chill (we actually chill – no “Netflix and chill” although admittedly he does try to put it on me and then when he tickles my fancy, he pulls away – basically mind fuck – yes, think mind fuck).. arranges for us to go out and do things (couple shit) – I kid you not, this fucking guy is more invested in me and “us” than he was when we were fucking dating. 

What I do: I fucking tell him I’m not comfortable with this version of “friendship” he is aiming for and wants me to be part of. It simply does not work for me. I feel like I am having everything that a relationship entails – bar the sex. Which is quite frankly taking the fucking piss. Here I fucking am, giving this part of me to him, and all I have left are these fucking desires that cannot be satisfied by anyone because I’m emotionally invested in him. 

This is the problem with being an “all or nothing” person. It’s all of me or none of me so when I say that this is some fucked up predicament, it’s a bloody understatement. 

He: seems to think it’s ok. “You seriously devalue the importance of a good friendship” (what the actual fuck) “you mean so much to me” (obviously not enough) “I need you (mind fuck class 101 – beginners: how to royally mind fuck someone’s emotional state to oblivion).

Me: so… You want me to sit here, laugh, converse, eat with you then spoon to sleep whilst trying to successfully start then maintain a fucking relationship with a completely different human altogether?? Fuck. 

I love you. You need me. 

There’s the fucking difference. 

I want to build a future with you. You need me. 

There’s the fucking difference. 

I see you as my future husband and the father of my kids.. But.. You need me. 

There’s the fucking difference. 
So how the fuck am I meant to leave you when you need me and I love you????? 
You see this shit? Waiting for a fucking ship at an airport! Do you know how crazy that shit is? 

It LITERALLY makes no sense whatsoever. None. Zilch. Nada. 
xoxo